Conference 2024 - Bereavement is everyone's Business

  Wednesday 30th October 2024 at Emmanuel Church, Northwood 

Dr Alison Penny MBE, coordinator of the National Bereavement Alliance; organisations and individuals working with bereaved people in England, talked about the public health approach to bereavement, an “opportunity  to step away from what the individual needs and think about what we need as a society,”

She was talking  to the 43rd Bereavement Care Annual Conference, entitled Bereavement is Everyone’s Business, held in Northwood on October 30. Over 100 delegates from all denominations and none attended.

Dr Penny said: “We should be asking individuals what is needed across our communities.”

One public health model of bereavement support showed that 60% of most people gained support from family and friends, 30% from a group or counsellor and 10% may need a referral to a mental health professional.

Challenges included loneliness and isolation amongst the elderly and poverty preventing some people struggling to access services because of travel costs.

She highlighted eight Principles for Change from the 2022 report by the UK Commission on Bereavement, sparked by the Covid pandemic.

• I am supported by my family, friends and the communities around me.
• I am sensitively supported by my school, college or workplace during my bereavement.
• I am well supported during the death and feel confident the person who died received appropriate and compassionate care.
• The things I must do after a death are simple and straightforward.
• I am compassionately and helpfully supported by those whose job brings them into contact with me through my bereavement.
• I have access to an affordable and meaningful funeral.
• I feel secure in my home and have the right financial support.
• I can easily find and access the right emotional bereavement support for my circumstances.

Dr Penny said while many improvements had been made, many driven by bereaved families, there was still a long way to go.

She said these could include how to support a bereaved friend in school, bereavement included in the curriculum, training, national campaigns like a grief awareness week, the simplification of administration when someone dies.

She said: “There is so much more we could do to give people a safety net. There is a lot of work to be done but a lot going on now. We really can say bereavement is everyone’s business.”

A series of inspiring workshops including supporting bereaved children and young people, online support for those bereaved by suicide and anticipatory grief were held throughout the day.

 42nd Bereavement Care Conference

Wednesday 25th October 2023 at Emmanuel Church, Northwood

The new Chairman of Bereavement Care, Mr Gopal Bhachu, welcomed delegates to The 42nd Annual Conference entitled: Bereavement – Coping with life alone which was held at Emmanuel Church, Northwood on October 25.

He praised the work of bereavement care but said there was a “lot more to do and I want to open new avenues to work together.” He then introduced the Keynote Speaker.

“Try and be gentle to yourself and give honest support.” These were the words from a leading rabbi who’s son drowned on his honeymoon only six months ago.

You could hear a pin drop when Rabbi Dr Jonathan Romain MBE spoke about his own tragedy at the Bereavement Care Conference. Somehow this renowned rabbi from Maidenhead shul held it together as representatives from all faiths and none heard about how he was coping as well as helping others.

He said: “It is a brutal reality. Life is difficult and death is difficult. Some deaths are much harder than others. Life is challenging but we  have to get on with things as best we can.  Human resilience is astonishing. I saw a couple laughing and joking and knew five years ago their son had committed suicide. I was pleased for them. “

He said he was asked if his faith helped him and said: “My faith didn’t help me because I didn’t believe God was responsible. What helped me was my community who rallied round, letters and emails, hugs, the warmth of human kindness was the best tonic. I was also protected by work, I had a routine.

“I wanted to crawl into a corner but so many people came up to me, crying or wanting to hug me. Often I ended up comforting them.”

He spoke about the importance of helping people cope before they died, when they had been given a terminal diagnosis and their families.

“It is important to give honest support. If someone is suffering from an  incurable disease, pray for qualities to help them cope, not for a miracle cure, but to accept what is happening.”

He told delegates it was important to discuss practical  things such as what kind of funeral someone wanted, did they want to donate organs, have they made a will.

Rituals, such as the Jewish shiva, usually a week of mourning, can be comforting, especially as people wanted to tell their story over and over again.

He talked about the various stages of grief, the sense of dislocation: ‘how can life go on when my husband has died.?’

The rabbi’s tips for coping alone were:

• always accept invitations because you might not be asked again.
• don’t move within a year, you have lost someone. Don’t lose everything else as well.
• Try and take up a new activity. You then become an individual, not a surviving half
• Do something every day, no matter how small
• Try and be gentle on yourself.

A series of workshops were held throughout the day including  supporting those who have lost a child and WAY (Widowed and Young).

Judy Silverton, from Mosaic Reform and Chair of the Conference Planning Group, closed by thanking all the speakers, delegates and sponsors and everyone involved in making the day such a success. 

 41st Bereavement Care Conference   

 BEREAVEMENT

 Wednesday 26th October 2022 at Emmanuel Church, Northwood

 ADDICTION can be a cause and consequence of bereavement the annual Bereavement Care 

Dr Duggan attended her first 12-step support group in 2007 and since then has been involved in recovery at local and national level. Since February 2020 she has been secretary of the Westminster based All Party Parliamentary group for 12 Step Recovery.

She told delegates from faith and non-faith groups who were attending the Conference at Emmanuel Church, Northwood on October 26: Addiction is associated with grief. We can all develop an addiction to anything that numbs our pain. Addiction means you lose the person you could have been. To most people I looked fine on the outside but inside I was broken. I was an alcoholic. I have been clean and sober for 15 years.

Living through bankruptcy, she said she finally sought help as a 35-year-old mother-of-two.

She spoke about the 12-step programme which includes letting go of “the rucksack” of burdens and emotions, making amends with the people you love and admitting your mistakes.

She said: You have to look at it and let it go. I grew up in a family who didn’t say sorry. I still make mistakes but now I admit them. It’s difficult to feel and accept our emotions if we don’t know what to do with uncomfortable feelings. In recovery we learn to regulate our emotions. You have to give people permission to feel. You have to tell them the difficult truth: they need to change.

Dr Duggan said she heard about death and relapse all the time. She said: One man in addiction on the street said he would have strangled his best friend for dry cardboard.

She said women were affected from all communities and spoke about the various definitions, including gaslighting, coercive control and cyber-technology.

Tell-tale signs to look out for including wearing a lot of make-up, covering up more than usual and social isolation.

She said: It’s about power and control. The most common ages are between 16-25 and the average number of years before asking for help is nine and a half years. If you notice signs try and talk to her separately and explore the relationship. Don’t express shock or horror. Talk about the services available and help them feel believed, not blamed.

When she gave a list of reasons why women don’t leave – stigma, shame, nowhere to go — it was suggested the real question should be why don’t men stop? She added the most dangerous time was when a woman has decided to leave. It was vital that they had a plan in place first.

Several workshops were held in the afternoon session. Delegates were able to choose from: Supporting those bereaved by suicide, mindfulness, an introduction to mental health first aid, unconscious bias, supporting clients by telephone and supporting bereaved children and young people.

 Judy Silverton, Chair Conference Planning Group, spoke about the trials of the Covid years with one benefit; the men are helping with the chores. She also thanked everyone for attending and paid special tribute to the work of Jack Lynes, former Chairman of Bereavement Care, who died earlier this year.  

 Councillor Debbie Morris, Chair of Three Rivers District Council, provided a summary to close proceedings.